April 15, 2021

In 2021, does Canada deserve better than uniforms that look like they were vandalized by angry teens with Sharpies ? Not really …

Canada is having a rough time. Once the promised land of oil sands, maple syrup, and kinda-free healthcare, we’re now a world leader in new COVID cases, money laundering, and overpriced houses. But, with the Tokyo Olympics (maybe) around the corner, the Great White North has a chance to redeem itself on the international stage – to show other countries who we really are.

Sure, the medal tallies are important. But the world’s most-viewed sporting event is ultimately about spectacle, which means it’s also the world’s most-viewed fashion event. The outfits matter, which is why nations stage elaborate reveals every two years. A country’s Olympic uniforms speak to who they are as a people, as well as their geopolitical and economic status. There’s even an academic term for it: “fashion diplomacy.” Unfortunately, Canada’s 2021 outfits only have one message: We’re a joke.

Picture it. The Opening Ceremony begins, with a record number of viewers since half the world is still locked in their homes. The Japanese wow with a world-class artistic program, followed by the Parade of Nations. To the atrophied masses in sweatpants, the athletes on TV look like real-life superheroes. Finally, Canada’s big moment arrives. Our team enters the arena and… how odd. The world is confused. Are those athletes, or lost tourists wearing children’s clothes?

“This is the gang that comes after you if you say you tried watching Schitt’s Creek but couldn’t get into it,” said New York Times culture writer Dave Itzkoff in a tweet … Sports journalist Jenna Harner wrote …

“Ahhh yes Canada going with the ’20-something girl at brunch’ look for the closing ceremonies this Olympics ”…

Even The Guardian took a shot at us, writing … “The athletes will be clad in graffiti-splashed denim jackets that would have been very current at the 1992 Olympics in Barcelona or on Degrassi Junior High at its peak.”