You’re Getting Warmer …
We’re still sick of the impeachment story ( although it’s really heating up ) , we don’t know enough about foreign affairs to opine intelligently on the situation in Syria , and although the Drudge Report had a promising story headlined ” STUDY : Farmers Have The Most Sex “, we didn’t think we could build a whole blog post out of it. Well , we could – but we’d take a sleazy approach and we don’t really want to honk off people who use pitchforks professionally.
So in the interest of filling space , we’re presenting you with a taste of an actual book project we submitted to our New York literary agent back in 2007 : ” 100 Good Things About Global Warming.” She turned it down immediately , said that the subject wasn’t funny , shouldn’t be joked about , and stopped sending us Christmas cards. Oops !
Frankly , we still like the idea and might self-publish the book someday if we get really bored. Every page would be richly illustrated , sane people would get a much-needed laugh out of it , and that pissy little Greta Thunberg would probably try to strangle us with her braids.
Back in 2007, it wasn’t “climate change” yet …
• Penguins discover that when they’re not shivering, they can fly after all.
• Kids can lay on their backs and make “dead grass angels” in the yard.
• Eskimos will be warm enough to rub a lot more than noses.
• Iceland will be renamed simply “Land.”
• Avalanches will only bury people up to their ankles.
• The Abominable Snowman will become just another abominable guy.
• Never again hear the phrase: “Your food is getting cold.”
• Eskimos’ 39 different words for snow can be replaced with the single word “puddle.”
• Debate over whether any two snowflakes are identical comes to an end.
• Jack Frost stops nipping at your nose, switches to spying on you in your swimsuit.
• Santa’s elves can take off their heavy coats and go back to being leprechauns.
• With no need to hibernate, bears finally catch up on chores they’ve been “meaning to get to.”
• “Seeing your breath” becomes clear evidence of a hygiene problem.
• New holiday TV specials like “The Sunscreen That Saved Christmas.”
• Unemployed Saint Bernards start bringing rum to those “buried in paperwork.”
• Never wince again when someone says “Ant-ar-tic” instead of “Ant-arc-tic.”
• Hottentots will simply be called “Tots.”
• Hawaii tourism booms with slogan “It’s Too Hot To Wear Our Grass Skirts.”
• Plenty of hot water for shower, no matter which knob you turn.
• Brass monkeys lose their fear of winter.
• “Baked Alaska” promoted from dessert to state motto …
… and on and on and on. Yes , there really are 100 of these entries and now that we’re reading them again for the first time in years, maybe we should consider that whole self-publishing thing. After all , it would really annoy those hysterical voices of doom on the Left … and that would be the best ” good thing about global warming ” of all !
Note : All of the above is ©2019 by Stilton Jarlsberg … Never steal things from a crazy man.
I’m not stealin’ this Stilt … Just passin’ on a great post !!! … Had a good laugh ! … And I agree with all ya said !!! …
Source: Stilton’s Place